Must be something about all of those liberated chickens that finally GOT to the powers that be. Never fear, they are gonna do something about it. I know it's a stretch, but the two stories [Katrina Liberates Chickens and the Bird Flu Scare issue] seem related. I leave both stories for your consideration. Enjoy?!?!? --Vim
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A Chicken Smokin' Pot
By James Churches
t r u t h o u t / Satire
Herbert Hoover was ridiculed for a dubious claim that he promised "a chicken in every pot," when running for president in 1928. This "promise" came to haunt Hoover during the 1932 election against FDR, when chickens were in pretty short supply.
gWb, not one to let a chicken make a fool of him, has promised to deploy Army Special Forces and Navy Seals to ensure every flu-ridden chicken does hard time in the torture coop at Gitmo.
Said gWb at the White House on October 4, 2005, concerning the threat of avian flu: "One option is the use of the military that's able to plan and move. So that's why I put it on the table." Notice, again, the food metaphor echoing Hoover.
Fearful of getting caught again with his golf slacks down ("If Katrina wants to complain some more about her kid gettin' shot in Iraq, flip her a quarter and tell her to call Bill Clinton;" "Uh, sir, that's Cindy. Katrina's the, uh, the storm;" "You got that right! She's a real windbag!"), gWb intends to pre-empt the avian flu by using the same DoD intelligence apparatus that produced rock solid proof of Iraqi WMDs and a million vats of botulism, black plague and athlete's foot.
He has tagged his favorite show-and-tell puppet, Colon Powell, to present satellite images of Asian chickens at mobile biological weapons labs on the streets of Bangkok and Kuala Lumpur (cleverly disguised as rolling stir-fry stands). Their intention? To ship avian-flu-frozen-dim-sum to the supermarkets of America! (Primarily super WalMarts, since they already have frozen dim sum factories in China.)
With actionable intelligence like this, gWb intends to attack the avian flu before it attacks us. A high White House source who wishes to remain anonymous but goes by the nickname Peckerhead reports that the president sees a bright silver lining in the looming bird flu cloud.
"He was saying the other morning over Ding-dongs and coffee that we might be able to 'kill two birds with one stone' on this deal," says the source. "We take out the chickens and Kim Jung Il's nukes in one fell swoop!"
The source claims the president is just one Polaroid away from declaring a "Global War on Chickens," which may go on indefinitely.
"Chickens is an elusive enemy. One'll pop up here, clucking about this 'er that, then BOOM, it'll disappear in the coop, blend in, see, and you can't tell fish from fowl," gWb is reported to have said.
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is reportedly "tickled pink" about the new assignment. He plans another "shock and awe" treatment for the misbehavin' avians, with a repeat performance of his patented "decapitation strike," just like he administered to the Butcher of Baghdad.
"You take off the top chicken's head, well now, she's gonna hop around for awhile, squirtin' blood all over the barnyard," says Rumsfeld. "If that's not a deterrent, I'm not wearing boxers with an arrow at the crotch that says, 'This way to the bunker buster!'"
Col. Sanders of Farmland Security declared that suspicious domestic chickens will be rounded up and sent to detention centers in an operation code-named "Tyson." Many birds will not be returning to their farms.
FEMA will be in charge of outsourcing the PR campaign. "We don't want the public accusing us of species profiling," says a resurrected turkey named "Brownie." To that end, an occasional duck and/or goose will be sent along for "processing."
"Herbert Hoover might have caught a chicken smokin' pot - hell, everbody ties a wild hair - but I caught 'em dead to rights plottin' a terror strike," says gWb. "I will not rest until chickens have been eliminated from the world."
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James E. Churches is an oxygen-starved writer living in the mountains of Colorado. His new satire novel, Pirates of the Potomac, ships the Bush administration on a wild pirate caper aboard the good ship Liberty. It is available now at Pirates of the Potomac.
-------
A Chicken Smokin' Pot
By James Churches
t r u t h o u t / Satire
Herbert Hoover was ridiculed for a dubious claim that he promised "a chicken in every pot," when running for president in 1928. This "promise" came to haunt Hoover during the 1932 election against FDR, when chickens were in pretty short supply.
gWb, not one to let a chicken make a fool of him, has promised to deploy Army Special Forces and Navy Seals to ensure every flu-ridden chicken does hard time in the torture coop at Gitmo.
Said gWb at the White House on October 4, 2005, concerning the threat of avian flu: "One option is the use of the military that's able to plan and move. So that's why I put it on the table." Notice, again, the food metaphor echoing Hoover.
Fearful of getting caught again with his golf slacks down ("If Katrina wants to complain some more about her kid gettin' shot in Iraq, flip her a quarter and tell her to call Bill Clinton;" "Uh, sir, that's Cindy. Katrina's the, uh, the storm;" "You got that right! She's a real windbag!"), gWb intends to pre-empt the avian flu by using the same DoD intelligence apparatus that produced rock solid proof of Iraqi WMDs and a million vats of botulism, black plague and athlete's foot.
He has tagged his favorite show-and-tell puppet, Colon Powell, to present satellite images of Asian chickens at mobile biological weapons labs on the streets of Bangkok and Kuala Lumpur (cleverly disguised as rolling stir-fry stands). Their intention? To ship avian-flu-frozen-dim-sum to the supermarkets of America! (Primarily super WalMarts, since they already have frozen dim sum factories in China.)
With actionable intelligence like this, gWb intends to attack the avian flu before it attacks us. A high White House source who wishes to remain anonymous but goes by the nickname Peckerhead reports that the president sees a bright silver lining in the looming bird flu cloud.
"He was saying the other morning over Ding-dongs and coffee that we might be able to 'kill two birds with one stone' on this deal," says the source. "We take out the chickens and Kim Jung Il's nukes in one fell swoop!"
The source claims the president is just one Polaroid away from declaring a "Global War on Chickens," which may go on indefinitely.
"Chickens is an elusive enemy. One'll pop up here, clucking about this 'er that, then BOOM, it'll disappear in the coop, blend in, see, and you can't tell fish from fowl," gWb is reported to have said.
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is reportedly "tickled pink" about the new assignment. He plans another "shock and awe" treatment for the misbehavin' avians, with a repeat performance of his patented "decapitation strike," just like he administered to the Butcher of Baghdad.
"You take off the top chicken's head, well now, she's gonna hop around for awhile, squirtin' blood all over the barnyard," says Rumsfeld. "If that's not a deterrent, I'm not wearing boxers with an arrow at the crotch that says, 'This way to the bunker buster!'"
Col. Sanders of Farmland Security declared that suspicious domestic chickens will be rounded up and sent to detention centers in an operation code-named "Tyson." Many birds will not be returning to their farms.
FEMA will be in charge of outsourcing the PR campaign. "We don't want the public accusing us of species profiling," says a resurrected turkey named "Brownie." To that end, an occasional duck and/or goose will be sent along for "processing."
"Herbert Hoover might have caught a chicken smokin' pot - hell, everbody ties a wild hair - but I caught 'em dead to rights plottin' a terror strike," says gWb. "I will not rest until chickens have been eliminated from the world."
---------
James E. Churches is an oxygen-starved writer living in the mountains of Colorado. His new satire novel, Pirates of the Potomac, ships the Bush administration on a wild pirate caper aboard the good ship Liberty. It is available now at Pirates of the Potomac.
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